Uncertainty

I have an unexplainable pit in my stomach.  It is difficult to describe, but it isn't one of ominousness.  It seems to stem more from uncertainty.  To be honest, this isn't the first time that I've felt it.  I guess the only way I can explain it is by explaining the times I've had it before.

It reminds me of every time I checked in for my flight at Louis Armstrong International Airport, near New Orleans to fly out to Korea.  I remember embracing my father at 5:30 in the morning, before my 6:30 flight departed, as I just checked in, knowing it was time to walk through security, and enter the terminal.  I was always excited, somewhat somber, and filled with an awareness of the uncertainty ahead of me.

Terminals are essentially large well-lit hallways.  And as I walked through it, I remember that feeling as I found myself feeling alone once again.

I felt it as I got off the bus at Gwangju for the first time at the the bus terminal, known as "USquare" to locals.  After living in Korea for three years, it looks rather normal now, but when I arrived, it had such an unfamiliar smell.  Its colors were unfamiliar.  It also had an unfamiliar vibe.  The internet on my ipod touch didn't work.  My boss wasn't where he said he would be.  That pit of uncertainty began to grow, as I began to wonder, "What am I doing here?"  He turned out to be late, which was ok.

It continued during that same day when I walked into my apartment for the first time, and I noticed how dirty it was.  I couldn't sleep that night until it was clean enough for me to take a shower in the bathroom.  I had that pit of uncertainty in my stomach the first time I walked into it.  I thought to myself, "What have I gotten myself into?"

For some reason, as I sit here writing at 2am on a Wednesday night in my clean comfortable new apartment, I am feeling that familiar pit of uncertainty, and I am attempting to figure out why, hoping that writing would allow me to feel a greater understanding of the reason.  Maybe it's because my now ex-girlfriend and I recently broke up, which is a strong source of uncertainty and change.  Maybe it's because I'm flying out to Tokyo this week.  I seem to feel that feeling most often in airports.  Maybe it's a combination of the two, and maybe they are connected.

It's kind of funny how I've been so busy in Seoul that I haven't even thought about taking a vacation until recently.  It's kind of funny how just as I broke up with my girlfriend, unbeknownst to the GEPIK teacher at my school, whom I recently befriended, he starts telling me how awesome Tokyo is, being that I have always been so interested in Japan, which at the time, was also unbeknownst to him.  After hearing him talk about it, I suddenly got the urge to fly there as soon as possible.  I love living here in Seoul, but I need a break.

And people ask, "Why Tokyo?  It's even bigger, and more bustling than Seoul."  I agree, and I won't dispute that.  But I believe fulfilling a dream can be a source of healing.  It can be a source of rejuvenation.  It can be a source of strength.  And visiting Tokyo has been a dream of mine, albeit a small one.

There is some uncertainty associated with the trip, but that is what makes it exciting.  I associate uncertainty with excitement for the future.  What will happen now that I'm a bachelor?  What will the next lady I date be like?  What will Tokyo be like?  What will I experience there?  What will I see?  What will I eat?  How will I travel?  Who will I meet?  Will I enjoy my time there?  Will I enjoy seeing that which is new and unfamiliar, because sometimes the unfamiliar can be rather unpleasant.  There is so much uncertainty happening currently.  Even though it is small, it is unmistakeable nonetheless.  

I am an eternal optimist, and to people like me, uncertainty breeds excitement.  Every time I've had that pit of uncertainty, good things have happened.  I may have been alone and uncertain for a short time, but God put wonderful friends in my life, and he provided me with wonderful places to work, to teach some great people.  He has provided me with wonderful places to live that are beyond anything that I could have imagined.

I've learned to embrace this pit with excitement.  I am excited about the future, and it starts with being single again as I heal from the wounds of my previous relationship, and it will continue very soon with a trip to Tokyo, as I fulfill a small, but hopefully significant dream.  It's exciting.

Stay tuned. Hopefully, I can send you a post on location soon.

I would like take this opportunity to send everybody who reads my blog a sincere thanks.  I have been in Korea for three years now, and the people who visit my site has grown significantly during that time.  I am suddenly feeling at a loss for words, and all I can think of saying is that I am humbled that many of you would take an interest in my life.  God bless all of you.